There is No Try

I wrote this for Men’s Zone’s November 2003 issue. In anticipation of Episode III, which we’ll be watching tonight (thank you, 20th Century Fox), I’d like to share a speculative look at George Lucas’ final Star Wars movie from way back. This was before the Clone Wars animated series and the trailers. I also know major plot points now thanks to the reviews and spoilers , so many of these ideas obviously won’t come to pass (I even had a drawing that showed Padme holding a lightsaber and Anakin sporting Darth Maul’s black facial tattoos). I edited the article accordingly to remove my thoughts about X-Men 3 because of space constraints.
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Geek Mythology
With The Matrix’s final installment out of the way, it’s time to second-guess the other sequels

We all have our own blockbuster movies in our heads, our own visions of what would make the as-yet unreleased fantasy sequel memorable and excellent for repeat viewings. We’ve been disappointed, more often than not, when would-be geek-pleasers fail to adhere to the checklist of ideas in our heads. But as much as we convince ourselves that we left expectations at the door, it can’t be helped to ponder what-ifs regarding franchises we’ve loved for ages. Especially when their last installments kicked butt.

From what’s available of their respective mythologies (including existing non-film stories and creator interviews), the third parts of the Star Wars and X-Men movies can actually be pieced together with doses of speculative fanboy theories. And because it’s going to be years before they’re actually shown, let’s pierce the veils of time and marvel at the possible scenarios and some obvious cast choices for X-Men 3 and Star Wars Episode III. Third time’s the charm, and going for broke is the only way to go.

STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH/ FALL OF THE JEDI
The Clone Wars is on its second year, taking its toll on Jedi knight Anakin Skywalker, who has become more reckless than ever. He bungles a vital mission, as his attention has been constantly divided between his duties and his secret wife Padme Amidala. Frustrated, he verbally abuses her, almost physically hurting her as well, if not for Obi-wan Kenobi’s timely intervention. This results in a Jedi court-martial, revealing details of the couple’s secret union.

Anakin has been training Padme in the ways of the Force, to better defend herself from further assassination attempts (and it does take their relationship to a different spiritual level). She’s a quick learner seemingly favored by Midichlorians, and is designated by the Council to study further under Obi-Wan, with whom she confides in. Jealous Anakin misinterprets their closeness and comes to blows with his mentor, resulting in Padme’s revelation that he slaughtered a tribe of Sand People two years ago. This results in his expulsion from the Jedi order.

Chancellor Palpatine and Count Dooku immediately take him under their sinister wing, the pair revealing a grand plan: A secret facility in Kashykk (planet of the Wookies) has successfully cloned hundreds of deceased Sith Lords, all subservient to them. The hate-filled Anakin leaks this information to lead the remaining dozens of Jedi into the trap and kills several of them in the process. Padme confronts her estranged husband, now sporting Sith facial paint, in a lightsabre duel but the former queen is defeated after an impressive bout. Obi-Wan steps in and sends this new “Darth Vader” hurtling into a fiery pit that heavily damages his body. Count Dooku perishes at the hands of Mace Windu, who in turn is killed by Palpatine.

Palpatine easily stages a coup with the Jedi defeated, but his Sith army and cloning technology are destroyed by Amidala and Bail Organa’s well-placed thermal detonators. With the help of the Skywalker’s honeymoon vessel, the Millennium Falcon, they escape the forces of the new Empire. Vader wears his mask for the first time (and James Earl Jones’ voice gets heard again, for the last time), the story ending with a scene happening months later. The “family picture” is reminiscent of the last scene from Return of the Jedi, this time showing Obi-Wan, Yoda, Bail Organa, Owen and Beru Lars, R2-D2, C3PO, Padme and her newborn twins Luke and Leia.

Of course, there’s a huge possibility that we may never see these half-expected plot details come to life, but they’re the obvious routes that can cap off the movies nicely. If the filmmaker can surprise us with a cleverer, more heart-wrenching popcorn movie, then all the better. But for now, this is the action flick in our heads, and we’re crossing our fingers, hoping that the real final product won’t freaking blow.