A Chance to Dance Along the Light of Day

Sometimes, I just lie awake at night, just wondering about certain what-might-be’s and mapping out past decisions that landed me where I am today. I don’t dwell on things too much, nah, but I just wonder about how random people connect, and how all relationships look from an all-knowing vantage point. In The L Word, they have a whiteboard that charts the increasing sexual liaisons of a fictional lesbian community at a certain place. The social networking sites in our reality don’t have viewable, scaled models of all possible connections, but I imagine that they might look like unending layers and layers of tangled and intricate cobweb designs. That’s a lot of people who want to be happy, or rich, heard, cuddled.

I guess I’m re-assessing my life’s direction again. I dunno. They say that Scorpios are truth-seekers, and I suppose that’s quite true in my case. It’s hard when I’m bothered, when I don’t feel like facing reality and I just want to escape, though. That’s especially true yesterday morning; I kept waking up almost every hour, feeling anxious about how the day would unfold, and worried about the things I needed to deal with.

I wanted to get away from the routine and enjoy the day differently. But I was just stuck there, tossing and turning, when it looked like I wouldn’t be able to go out, partly because of the crazy weather, and partly because company wouldn’t be available. I wanted to see people, listen to music, maybe drink a little. I didn’t feel like my usual duty-bound self, not the person who’s always concerned with making his time count or leaving his mark.

Was I such a deprived, repressed kid? I think so. I think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I just want to be free a little, every now and then. But when I felt bummed out, I just stayed in my bed and tried to sleep through the hours. It didn’t make me feel better, but it rested me enough to do other things like watching episodes of 24 (the sixth season of which surprisingly feels super-dull and utterly rehashed, so far), and two DVDs of movies I’ve been meaning to see for a long time. Those distracted me enough to not think about places I’d rather be, and when that got boring, I just crashed in my bed again.

Slept for about forty minutes 9 p.m.-ish and had a semi-sex dream, details of which will not be mentioned here. I felt real hungry when I woke up; it was one of those dreams that felt like it ran the duration of several days. I’m still a little restless, but it’s a good thing, I think, that I didn’t drink alcohol at all the whole day, even when I really wanted to. I dunno how long this uneasy feeling will last.

But I hope to partake of some earthly pleasures soon. Need to think more positive, cheerful thoughts. That's probably my equivalent to praying, minus the worship. Whoa, wait, it’s Saturday already. I didn’t notice the week breeze by. I think I was still processing things from last weekend.

Heroes Past

Some film and TV fantasy heroes, caricatured five years ago for a short-lived magazine. I illustrated it to accompany an article I did.