Only Stops Along My Way

So.

Almost every day for the past week, I only had about four to five hours sleep. Body clock’s outta whack again, but I’ve stayed ruminative like I was for the most of August. My head’s busy juggling priorities; it’s done a good job of separating work from recreation, so far. But it’s also dissecting and analyzing recent and current experiences, trying to figure out the roots and effects of decisions I’ve made, or have yet to make.

Looking back at my archived entries, I noticed how different things were for me professionally and personally when the year started. I can say with certainty that it’s been strange. And interesting. And humbling. And bittersweet.

I’ve seen friendships evolve into things more than bargained for; I’ve gone through the different stages of grief; I owned up to mistakes made and tried to be the better man. I felt loved, loathed, adored, ignored; I got over things and people and moved on, maybe a little wiser. I gave, and was selfish. I’m learning to let things go, and to stay emotionally detached from some things that have become obsessions. I get blasé at certain times, and hypersensitive during others. I’m impatient but the epitome of contentment at once. That’s how mixed-up it was for the last two months.

I think, at certain points, I feel like I’m still in school. You still try to take everything in simultaneously. The backdrops have changed, but somehow, there are things that remain the same. I still feel insecure sometimes, and my confidence just inexplicably vanishes when I’m faced with some quandaries. You also get to meet the same characters all over again, only older and better-dressed: the kindred misfits, the quiet martyrs, and the condescending, conceited brats, among other archetypes.

But it’s also different, sluts with standards notwithstanding. Like everyone else, I can speak up now. I can do things that I never imagined doing when I was young. I don’t really care about belonging, anymore. The divisions between the cliques have blurred, and real fellowship now comes in myriad manifestations. I build for my future, and that means that I’m in that endless cycle of proving myself. The stakes are higher; the drama’s more difficult to escape. But I remind myself that that’s just the way it is.

Someone asked me, about seven years ago, if I felt happy with my life. I hesitated to answer, but I remember replying in the affirmative. The hesitation gave away the truth, though. Well, I was in a totally different place and state of mind then. But now, despite all the emotional crap that I’m going through, I can say, without any hesitation whatsoever, that yeah, I’m really happy. I know how happiness feels. I’m living my life by being true to myself.

God, I so need to sleep.