Round Here We Talk Just Like Lions

Yesterday I felt mostly great. I had a good day; it was productive and I was glad to meet up and chat with old and new friends. But just as it was ending, the feeling of giddiness had to change. Feelings totally unconnected to the events from earlier surfaced, and the dreariness felt really awful.

I tore and crumpled sketches I was doing. The muse just wasn’t there, so I didn’t bother doing it again. I tear and crumple illustrations I’m not happy with, yeah, but there was some rage in doing so last night.

I couldn’t sleep, not while feeling that way, and I couldn’t scream it out because I’d wake up the freaking neighbors. But I had to do something to dislodge the heaviness I was feeling. I felt like clawing at my own skin, but that would’ve ended up messily.

I pulled out an old comics catalog and tore out thick sections into pieces. I pulled out toy package boards and ripped ‘em into shreds. Some were actually hard to destroy because they had plastic glued on them. My heart was beating real fast at this point. I surveyed my room, picked up a pen, and snapped it in two. I’d have broken furniture, but most of them looked and felt broken anyway.

If I had a punching bag, my hands would be bruised and broken right now. I’d have pictured the faces of everyone who ever wronged me on it. I stopped and sat down, still appalled, but feeling slightly better. I had to release it, somehow. It shows that I’m still in control, though, since I didn’t break anything of real value. The feeling of being gypped, of being devalued, lingered. But as I was able to act out my grief, I was more conscious of my rapid heartbeat, so I began calming down.

I’ve always been in touch with my emotions, which has been both good and bad. I’d have exploded, or imploded, if I just tried to cram it down and hold it in. that’s why I’m amazed that some people can be so removed from their emotions altogether.

Oh well, woke up feeling a little better. Will play my loud, angry music now, and exorcise these feelings.