Believe Is All You Say

Wanna Find Sweetness, Gotta Find Pain

I woke up feeling anxious. It wasn’t because of a bad dream or anything; I slept earlier than usual last night because the lack of rest was taking its toll on me. But it’s one of those times when you start your day worrying, when you feel like you’ll just burst at any second. No, I am not manic-depressive. I’ve just been compartmentalizing lately, and it’s not just easy for me to switch off feelings, sometimes, like I mentioned here before. I realized this some time ago; I’ve often had trouble letting go of grudges and disappointments.

So anyway, when I was feeling bummed out shortly after waking up from a three-hour sleep, I recognized the feeling, and knew that I had to release it quickly. I tried punching the floor, as I was still on my bed, but I decided that I’d do that to the bathroom wall, instead, where I’d throw more effective punches and no one would notice. And so I did. Punched the wall with my knuckles a few times until they hurt. But I was pulling back enough so the tiles wouldn’t break. Still, they were tough tiles. The pain was rerouted into something physical, and despite that, I felt better inside. I dunno. I went back to sleep feeling less bothered. But my knuckles were rattled real good.

I finished a press release talking about well-being hours ago. It’s kinda ironic given my current state, but it’s also a little helpful. I transcribed interviews, which included one with a yoga instructor who talked about how the mind can impose limitations on a person. He talked about learning to let go of anger and regret. How Yoda-ish, but true. I’m still learning to do that. It’s hard, but I’m gonna be good at letting go one day.

A song played in my head even before I transcribed, so I had to listen to it repeatedly shortly after finishing. It was “Crowing” by Toad the Wet Sprocket, from the mid-‘90s “Dulcinea” album. I played the whole thing twice, and that particular song about eight or nine times total. It summed up how I was feeling, as if the song was written just for this moment I’m going through:

Crowing

Been waiting to find
You could’ve been happier given the time
If he’d make up his mind
You’d give yourself to anybody who would cross that line

And it was never a question
He was crowing for repair
You’d give him love and affection
But you couldn’t keep him there

Get over regret
While you were sleeping with the angels
He was under the bed
And the more skin that you shed
The more that the air in your throat will linger when you call him your friend

And it was never a question
He was crowing for repair
You’d give him love and affection
But you couldn’t keep him there

Staring at a cold little hand
Reading fault lines of a shell of a man
You were waiting for a word from above
Wouldn't you know it, no answer ever did come

And it was never a question…

Sams Rock Well

Friday morning, I spoke with the fellow in this picture. Always admired Mr. Rockwell. So surreal. I remember ten years ago reading a review of a movie he starred in, Lawn Dogs. Seen him in Green Mile, Galaxy Quest, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Matchstick Men, Assassination of Jesse James, and yesterday, in Joshua. Awesome actor.

The next day, I met ETC’s Sam Oh, and interviewed her. I went to Glorietta, and had to cover the event she was in for a copywriting job. She’s excellent, and talks and moves just like she does on TV. Kwela girl. And she has a tongue piercing, if I’m not mistaken. I actually saw her before, last year, during the Village People press con, I think. And I’ve seen her host a show at Glorietta last August, but yesterday was the time I actually met her. Sweet.

I watched Joshua shortly after interviewing her. That was one depressing movie, but those involved were really convincing. Sam R. was excellent, as usual. I keep remembering the part of our conversation, when I asked him about how working with Assassination co-stars Brad Pitt and Casey Affleck was: “They’re very sexy people. I can’t get my hands off of them! They’re very handsome.”

He was kidding, of course. I really tried to keep down my giggles while he was saying it.