Question Marked

Sometimes, I just have to pause and wonder about my life and where I’ve been, the connections and disconnections I’ve made with people, and lessons that I’ve learned, forgotten, and re-learned.

Sometimes, I wonder about destiny, the absence of it, the silliness of trying to understand it all, how much time we have left and the patterns that repeat over and over again.

Sometimes, I think about who I might have been in a past life. I don’t know if I believe in karmic balance or retribution. Man-interpreted divinity and metaphysics make my head spin now, but I do wonder if I’ve been here before, met people I love dearly, or was confronted with similar puzzles. It would’ve been nice, not to mention fantastical and filmy, if I had. It would be just as cool if I’m actually a new soul, trying to understand my temporary stay here in this plane.

I do feel like the outsider sometimes, someone who’s just observing, just looking at what’s happening to my life and others’. I try not to judge people, at least not too much, but I do feel impatient occasionally. I’ve become cold and unfeeling when it suits me, but emotional and impassioned for things of personal value. I also think about how different my life would have been now had I decided on things differently when I was younger.

But I’m here now. I value my sense of self and individuality, even if my self-worth falters sometimes. My ongoing biography intersects with others’, unfolding with both mundane and riveting parts. I believe in goodness and peace, even when I don’t feel some automatic allegiance to some familial tradition or societal norms.

Sometimes, I just want to sleep, and forget about the world.

Other times, I want hugs, kisses, sweet surrender, stuff money can’t buy, and stuff that I’d gladly purchase.

Money, time, optimism, they come and go. But I can still find things to smile about, somehow.

I’m just me, and this is my life.