The Whole Shack Shimmies

X-Tales to Astonish

A lot of comic book readers probably know by now that Astonishing X-Men is the X-title that delivers consistent plot twists, drama and memorably good dialogue. Well, it is. Joss Whedon, TV god and comics savior, whips up a simple but absorbing tale replete with ominous prophecies, triumphant resurrections, new and returning big bads, and good old mutant mayhem.

There are two issues to go before Whedon and artist John Cassaday bid the series adieu. The Astonishing X-Men team--Cyclops, Emma Frost, Beast, Wolverine, Kitty Pryde, Colossus and Armor--travel to the Breakworld planet to avert a prophesied disaster in the current “Unstoppable” arc.

In the course of the series, Emma, Kitty, and Cyclops have been developed tremendously, each of them figuring in powerful moments that add to the characters’ already rich histories. And while it’s not as clever or concept-rich as the series it succeeded (Grant Morrison’s New X-Men), Astonishing’s creators approach it with their own indelible style, and are no less effective with their storytelling and ideas.

Each issue of Astonishing is a quick read; the sleekly drawn, uncluttered but still nicely laid out panels project a spacious, cinematic feel. Too bad the artist isn’t a fast one; the gaps between issues have been torture. And those reading the latest installment might have difficulty recalling events from the previous issue. Times have changed, this particular three-year run has yielded only 23 issues to date, but it’s still one of the better Marvel titles out there. It’s very tightly written and told.

Those opting to get the run in trade paperbacks will not be disappointed. Those who have the monthly issues already know how layered and involving the X-Men are again. It really is an astonishing era.

(image above from silverbulletcomics)

Geek Mythology

Friday, I went to the new office of my erstwhile Beer Guy pal Mark, who’s now occasionally my boss, to pick up stuff. We talked briefly about work, and also about Astonishing X-Men. I lent him the first 21 issues of the Whedon-Cassaday run last summer. It was a nice surprise that he got the last two issues himself because he liked it a lot.

Saturday, I just wrote and drew. Finished episodes of Kyle XY, whose lead actor sometimes reminds me of Jason Doplito (it’s like his Caucasian version, I think!). I also played old, long-untouched music CDs.

We went to Fully Booked’s Neil Gaiman event at the Fort last Sunday. And by “we,” I mean that as two people--as in Dicky and me--and not “we” the way Queen Elizabeth I might have used it, which meant that she was actually referring only to herself.

Anyway, Dicky joked as we approached the place, “There’s gonna be a lot of nerds.”

I responded, “We’re nerds!”

“But we’re hot nerds,” he deadpanned. Hee.

Fellow Gaiman fans and geeks of every persuasion and permutation were there. We waited a bit at the shaded lawn-courtyard for Mr. Gaiman’s appearance. New Avengers artist Leinil Yu called me from behind and said hello, which was cool, because it’s been years since we last saw each other and talked. He still recognizes me. I told him I like his new penciling style (a rougher but purer look that, in my opinion, is a distinct evolution). He was starting the “Secret Invasion” pages, so I just had to ask: “So, sino ang Skrulls?” He just smiled and said, “Hindi ko pa alam.” Cool guy, that Nil.

Soon, Ner Pedrina, Azrael Colladilla, and the Arres (Arnold and Cyn) were in the area, as well. Dean Alfar also said hello. Wanted to greet Vinnie Simbulan, but he was busy talking to someone, and soon vanished. My old, dear friend Amy Mosura was there too. It’s been a while since we saw each other, so I was kinda embarrassed that I mistook her for a high school batchmate at first. She lost weight and her new hairstyle looks great.

Neil Gaiman later shared some truly inspiring words, so attending the event was really worth it.

Let’s see… I also ran into Oliver Ortega, and others whose names I can’t remember. And oh, yeah, it’s good to discover that Andrew Fornier, friend of the Brookers, was a finalist in the prose category. Gerald of the Komikeros, I think, won in the comics category. I don’t recognize the other names, but the top prize (2^nd, no 1^st place this year) went to Andrew Drilon. Yup, it’s the guy’s year. Congrats to the winners!

Dicky and I ate and hung out a bit after the announcement of winners. I was tired when I got home, but I still had enough energy to research and finish an article for the paper. I rummaged through a box full of old magazines, but I was able to find those that I needed quickly. You see, back in the ‘90s, I’d buy magazines like Entertainment Weekly, Premiere, Rolling Stone, Empire and lesser-known ones, but only if they were ultra-cheap. I went through a sci-fi mag, got distracted for a bit, pulled out a Roswell poster, and taped it to my door.

Hmm. I’d better get organized; I’ve things lined up for the next few days. But I feel inspired. I keep thinking of all those fans at the Gaiman event, those people touched and moved differently by the author’s various works. It was like a religious meet, attended by the creative, imaginative and escapist. And, quite surprisingly, some of them were hot nerds.

Julian Sark and Veronica Mars Versus Heroes

Well, sort of. For those who haven’t seen episodes of Heroes season two, some major spoilers ahead.

Whoa, now we’re going somewhere. While season one took its time introducing a bajillion new characters, that’s now out of the way, and season two seems to be a time for unhampered progression, at least for most of them. Some minor players have been disposed of, and there were a few that debuted, like Kensei and Elle (David Anders! Kristen Bell!). But we’ve yet to see how importantly they figure into it, really, and how long they’ll be around.

It pains me a little to see Bell--fresh off Veronica Mars--smooching with Milo Ventimiglia and playing a remorseless uberbitch. Noooo! But, she’s a damn good actress, and while electric Elle requires some getting used to, I’m hopeful that she can remarkably take on whatever’s in store for her. Also, I hate to admit it, but she and Ventimiglia have some, ahem, zapping chemistry.

I’m glad that she’s in a high-profile show, though. Same with Anders, he used to be the utterly cool and kickass evil agent in Alias, so it’s good that he landed the part of the fabled English samurai-turned-immortal demigod. It pains me to see him too, sometimes, but for other reasons. That poorly edited swordfight scene was terrible, among other things. Anyway, I hope he kicks ass as Adam (those who liked him in Alias might remember that he had practically the same accent, demeanor and getup), so don’t disappoint us, Tim Kring!

If the characters fought Buffy’s season 6 gang (pictured above), who’d win? Hmm… if the Heroes organized, and honed their skills together, I’d say they’d win easily. But the Slayer’s team is tight and they’ve worked together as a unit for years. Still, it’s going to be a flashy, fun fight: Buffy versus Nikki! And Peter versus Willow (they’re both multipowered powerhouses, so that’d be interesting), Giles versus Noah, Hiro versus Spike (they’re both new at being champions), Dawn versus Claire (teen catfight!), Ando versus Xander (well, Xander will win this quick because he’s got military combat skills), and so on. Just a thought.

While Heroes is derivative and quite predictable, it’s still entertaining. It’s no Buffy, and it’s not meant to be, but it’s the fantasy show of the moment, an attractive otherdimensional world where freaks and misfits also save the day.

Week 45

November’s happening way too fast. Where’d the time go?

John gave me a belated birthday gift, a two-pack Marvel Legends set of X-Men characters Cannonball and Domino. The fast-vanishing action figures were released almost a month ago, also during the Wave 3 toy launch. Ah, so cool and pretty. Speaking of toys, Benedict gave me an advanced birthday gift way back in September, the rare Witchblade figure from the first Legendary Heroes set. It has the Pitt head and upper torso segment of the huge bonus figure. Can’t wait for the rest of the wave to go on sale so I can assemble that. Thanks for the toys, boys.

Let’s see… same old, it was a good week. John and I watched Beowulf in glorious 3D last Tuesday. Oh, and my Beowulf interviews with Neil Gaiman, Roger Avary and Steve Starkey got printed last Wednesday. In the same issue, my article about Lost production designer Zack Grobler came out (thank you Pam and Warner!). Visit my Multiply site to read them. Aside from interviews, I also post music, comic book, movie, TV show and toy reviews over there.

Saturday, Dicky and I went to the third Komikon, which was, as usual, jampacked with different comic book lovers. He was able to get new pig sketches, as expected. It was colder at certain areas, thanks to several “evaporative” aircons placed at some parts of the venue. Said hello to old friends and fellow comics creators. Bought some sale comics (mostly L.E.G.I.O.N. back issues at P10 each!) and ate a late, late lunch later at a Shakey’s.

Pretty normal geek week. Not much to say here, except… I’m hungry. I wanna eat cake. Or a huge pizza. And I wish that I wuz anywhere, with anyone, making out. Just kidding. That line is from Dashboard Confessional’s “Screaming Infidelities.”

Must lie down now and dream of superheroes, ass-tapping, food, money, and Christmas.

November Reign

Pulp Dreaming

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. A few days from now and it’s the middle of the month already, which is kinda weird because I still have some leftover Halloween candy, those coffee-flavored ones that people don’t seem too interested in.

Anyway, I’m just doing the usual. Not noticing time pass by, most of the time. Oh, yeah, early this week, I saw this movie:

In a word: WOW. I’ll be watching it again.

Two days later, I’m on the phone, talking to the master of The Dreaming, Neil Gaiman, and Pulp Fiction co-writer Roger Avary about the movie. Again, WOW. It was brief; the whole thing lasted maybe a little over twelve minutes, but they answered generously. And that was an awesome experience, definitely. I loved Neil’s Books of Magic and Sandman (and the related minis), Roger’s Rules of Attraction, and their writing collaboration on Beowulf. That was one special phoner.

Gush, gush. And, yeah… wow.

Plastic Peeps

I bought Donna Troy, from the Infinite Crisis set, at almost half the regular toy store price. There are two Donnas in that wave; the other’s wearing the classic George Perez-designed Wonder Girl costume from the ‘80s. These are different figures, but it’s noticeable that the body mostly came from the same mold. The heads aren’t the same, obviously, primarily because of the ‘dos. The costume is faithful to the current comic book design; the silver flecks and dots make the star field look consistent with the similarly painted armbands, wristbands, boots and belt.

Donna Troy or Troia is DC Comics’ Jean Grey-esque character, in that she’s a resurrected heroine who’s been imbued with cosmic significance. She’s supposedly the next Harbinger (cool, she has the “floating” sphere accessory), but it seems that it hasn’t really been addressed clearly in the comics, yet. Well, many people are just glad she’s back, after that ridiculous death at the hands of a Superman robot. It’s about time that the she got the toy treatment, too, and both of her sexy, pretty figures are worth getting.

Like with other DC Direct a.f.’s, articulation is quite limited, but the 15 points are enough for Miss Troy. If only it had changeable hands like its fellow IC fig, Wonder Woman. Closed fists would’ve been great. But, it’s still excellently made, and the attention to detail is extraordinary. What a beauty.

Meanwhile… As followers of the comics- and movie-based action figures know, Hasbro is now making the Marvel Legends toys. Among the company’s first figures released last summer, Banshee, is one of three X-Men in the set. This is the Irish mutant hero’s first fully poseable toy incarnation--he has 30 points of articulation--which mostly follows the older Toy Biz templates.

Banshee is in his classic green and yellow Dave Cockrum-era costume, and that’s decently painted, although older collectors may miss the more textured color rendering that made many of the previous ML’s look great. And speaking of colors, one might wish that this figure sported reddish hair (to match the comics version’s), and a darker skin tone (because he looks really pale, almost undead-like). His “wings” are made of cloth, which takes a little getting used to. Plastic ones, a la Falcon’s or Vulture’s would’ve worked just fine, but the black and yellow design actually translates well on fabric.

His angry face and Jim Carrey-esque gaping mouth, however, make him look weird. The character uses his vaunted sonic scream, hence the open mouth, but couldn’t they have done something that looked better while retaining some coolness? The head’s nicely sculpted, but it would’ve been awesome if it could be replaced with a close-mouthed, more heroic-looking one.

X-Men toy collectors will get this regardless, as it’s the first and possibly only figure devoted to one of the less-popular members. But it wouldn’t hurt to wait for it to go on sale, as it’ll be paired, buy one take one, with the better figs of the bunch (Planet Hulk or Hercules!). Banshee’s an okay addition to anyone’s collection; he’ll stick out in the group shots as the angry dude, but otherwise, the figure’s playable and his fierce look fits perfectly in more action-themed scenarios.

Sweet Sugar, A-Pumpin’ In My Veins

Celebratory, Celestiatory

I didn’t do anything differently for my birthday last week. I really haven’t been celebrating it with big parties or anything. But I’m glad that I got yummy cake, among other tasty food, when I got home. Watched the 30 Days of Night preview at Gateway with John before that, while enduring a headache brought about by, I assume, lack of sleep. The artist of the source comics, Ben Templesmith, was there; he seemed like a shy guy, judging by his posture prior to introducing the film.

Halloween, Benedict and I met up, went to Fort, and shared candy. Sucked on some lollipops (semi-chewy Boom Boom and generic Halloween ones), ate tiny orange jelly slices, and other candies. It still felt like my birthday, as people were still greeting me that day, which is so cool, by the way. I got a whopping three dozen plus greets from friends, relatives and acquaintances, so thanks again for that, you lovely people.

So, another year. And what a year it’s been, so far. Six months ago, I was drinking beer in the shower and having one of the most memorable summers of my life, after a period of monotony and routine. More recent months are about emotional phases bleeding into each other. I have assessed and re-examined my relationships and my jobs; it’s been a roller coaster ride. Thoughts and feelings I’d forgotten resurface, and I’m encountering new ones too. They’re not all pleasant, but I’m acknowledging and confronting ‘em head on.

I’m older. And maybe, just a little bit wiser. One of these days, though, I’m just gonna party like mad.

Marvel Girl Marvels

I got this as a prize some weeks back (see the Mash Master blog entry). The Marvel Girl figure in the third Hasbro wave is a good-looking, differently articulated female figure. It’s actually one of the prettier ones, and there have been quite a few from the Toy Biz lines.

The time-traveling telepath-telekinetic Marvel Girl, a.k.a. Rachel Summers (or Grey, as she’s honoring her currently deceased mother Jean) is one of the X-characters that started out great, but eventually similar characters from alternate future timelines followed suit, making the X-titles’ storylines hopelessly convoluted. Still, Rachel’s had many personas in the last two decades, and her current one’s immortalized for the first time in plastic.

Rachel has fewer points of articulation (21) than the usual Marvel Legend, but less is more in this case. No unsightly leg and knee joints here. It’s surprising that each knee can bend, and still turn whichever way via some hidden joint articulation. Also, her feet can be positioned through subtle ankle points.

While it’s not the best-looking girl on the block, it can be ranked up there with attractive figures like Kitty Pryde, Black Widow, Psylocke and even the Marvel Select ones, face- and paint-wise. There’s even a repaint of Marvel Girl in the new Hasbro two-pack of Cable (Ray’s brother Nathan) and, well, the original Marvel Girl (Jean in her early days). The body and costume have been repainted, yes, but the head’s a totally different sculpt, as that one’s wearing a mask and has longer hair. Completists, or those keen on forming a Summers-Grey clan might want to get that too.

Accessories: the translucent fiery fist attachables are similar to Iron Fist’s. More interesting is the teeny-weeny, separately crafted X-amulet. It would’ve been great if she had a translucent yellow visor too, but that would’ve covered up the fine paint work on her eyes.

Maybe in the future, there’ll be another Rachel Summers toy (her Hound/Phoenix costume, preferably), but for now, this version stands out from Hasbro’s ML sets. Let’s hope that the upcoming women are done as painstakingly as this particular X-lady.

Masquerade Balls

King Lexy, Captain Nance, Chef Argus

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I’m feeling much better. Except for some strange sensation caused by a swollen gum behind a lower molar, I’m recovering quite nicely. I’ve been able to catch up on work this past week--thankfully, some surprise freelance jobs were easy to do--and I also finished drawing Dicky’s story two days ago. I’m quite pleased with it, and I’m hoping that he and other people will like it too.

It’s Halloween once again, so there’s that new LNA drawing up top. I wanted to dress up Argus in a Transformers-inspired costume, but I opted for a less obvious costume choice. I loved Ratatouille; I’m enjoying Kitchen Confidential, and I wish that I was able to watch No Reservations. So I thought that dressing him up as a chef would be timely, and a little cool.

It’s way easier to have these old creations act out some fantasy situations and be my fearless mascots or avatars for All Hallow’s Eve. I’m not into the parties, and I’d probably take a lot of convincing to wear an actual costume. Well, the closest thing to wearing one would be when I had to be in business attire for an assignment last September. I considered wearing something for this year’s Halloween, but as I’ve things to do and no time to really attend events, I’m just gonna celebrate it by buying and eating candy. Yay, candy!

Oh, I just remembered: ten Halloweens ago, Dhampyr, a horror comic book that a friend wrote and I drew, was launched at Synergy in Glorietta. Wow, it’s been a decade! I can remember parts of that fun event. Things were totally different for me then. It was a project that I poured a lot of energy into, but looking at it now, there are many things that I wish I’d done differently. Still, back then, the Halloween launch-costume party was a successful, exciting one. If the graphic novel had a soundtrack, writer Dave H. suggested that Sugar Hiccup’s haunting “Five Years” would be perfect for it.

Anyway. I love this time of the year, also because I get to eat sweet, sweet cake. At least I’m hoping that there’s one for me this year.

Dead Men Walking

Robert Kirkman and Charlie Adlard’s The Walking Dead remains one of the most consistently engrossing comics series out there.

Threatened by countless hungry zombies, a small group of survivors do their damnedest to look for fellow humans and fend off the undead predators. But in this world, some people are actually worse than the monsters.

The book’s protagonists, Rick, a former cop, his family and newfound friends start forming some semblance of society from scratch, while constantly evading threats posed by the zombies and other human “tribes.” After 42 issues, the cast has continuously grown and thinned; some characters lived, others perished (often violently), and the harrowing ordeals never seem to end.

Kirkman’s strengths here are his dialogue and characterization. Characters grow on you, and you actually worry for them. The interactions are superbly written, even when the story gets paced rather slowly at times. But some unexpected twists and intensely executed moments keep you glued. Adlard’s art and storytelling skillsr have also improved considerably after the original artist (I forget his name at the moment) established the look of most of the characters and the mood of the series. Cliff Rathburn’s gray tones enhance and texture the illustrations nicely, as well.

The Walking Dead is humorless, bleak and occasionally, genuinely scary. If you’re looking for a funnier Kirkman, his twisted take on superheroes turned monsters in Marvel Zombies (or its sequel) could probably be the title for you. But those Walking Dead trade paperbacks really are worth getting and devouring.

Saturday Stunners

Mash Master

Six or so years ago, I wanted to join the local version of The Weakest Link. I didn’t watch it religiously, but the few times that I tuned in with some family members, I did pretty well in answering some tough questions correctly. I’d get the look a few times. Actually, there were two: the “oh my god, are we related” look, and the “oh, just go and join already” look. But no, I didn’t even try asking about it. Also, I felt that I’d be eliminated quickly for one reason or another if I did join.

Last Saturday, there was a contest, a considerably smaller one that I knew I had to join. I felt that it was just as prestigious, even when very few people knew about it. It was right up my alley, too. The Marvel Mind Mash trivia game was held during the launch of the third Hasbro Marvel Legends set, and the moment I read the announcement less than a week before, I just knew that it’s just going to be perfect for me. Without hesitation, I pre-registered, half-hoping that I’d get the assembled Queen Brood figure or another prize. I know, it’s counting chickens, but if there’s anything that my head hasn’t dumped, it’s useless comic book information.

And that was going to prove useful, maybe for the first time. So I reviewed some of the Marvel Universe Handbooks, sorta cramming the day before the contest. I went there to Toy Palace in Cubao on Saturday noon, confident that there wouldn’t be a lot of hopefuls. Well, no. There were 13 of us, initially, and we answered a mix of easy and tough questions on personal Mickey Mouse whiteboards. Suddenly, I switched off my “eyes on the prize” mode and tried to concentrate on getting a competitive score.

It was tougher than I expected. I didn’t know who debuted in Tales of Suspense! I answered Thor, but the correct answer was Iron Man. Still, I got six out of ten right for the first round, so I was with two other guys with high scores for the next round. I’m still kinda proud that I got “Hammer Bay” (What is the capital of Genosha?), as well as “Homo Mermanus” (What is the scientific name of Marvel’s gill-breathing race?). Some people clapped with that last one. It was fun, and I was a little nervous.

The final round had its share of tough ones, but I felt they were easier than the previous questions. The other guy, Patrick, knew his Marvel trivia too. But I was able to get to ten points more quickly. Yay, nerdiness! After almost 30 questions in those three rounds, I am the Marvel Mind Mash grand winner! I was supposed to get the assembled Brood Queen, but Patrick and I swapped prizes. He’s cool for suggesting and being serious with it, because I fancied the four-figure X-Men set more than the Brood (which looked unimpressive and lacking in articulation… but that’s just me).

So on a Marvel Legends diorama base, I have the winged robot Danger, Daniel Cudmore-inspired Colossus, Astonishing X-Men Cyclops and Rachel Summers-Marvel Girl! Picture-taking ensued, and I was one happy uber-geek.

Marvel Mind Mash winner. I’ll hold on to the title gladly until the next toy launch. I’m still grinning.

Thank you Cybertron Philippines for the pictures!

Motley Mozzie

Against doctor’s orders, I went out Saturday evening. It wasn’t gonna be strenuous; I just wanted to attend Pam Pastor’s birthday bash. I already said yes to her invite a week prior. It’s been a while since I attended a Mozzie gig, too, so I was really looking forward to hear and watch them perform again. The last time I watched was back in May, so I really missed them. I was just crossing my fingers that I wasn’t spreading whatever it was I was sick with.

After my afternoon victory (see previous entry), nothing was gonna stop me from enjoying the day even more. Benedict was kind enough to bring me there to Route 196 in Katipunan, where some attendees were dressed in Halloween costumes, including the band. Benedict, star cosplayer, quickly had costume envy.

The food was awesome; thin-crust pizza, chicken strips with sour cream dip, and nachos were yummy. Didn’t feel like drinking beer, though, so I guzzled diet soda instead. Mozzie performed hot covers of songs by No Doubt (“Excuse Me Mister,” “I’m Just a Girl,” “Spiderwebs”) and Alanis (“Uninvited,” etc.) while people ate and drank. Pam eventually sang the original, crowd fave “Bolgia Six,” and another whose title I forget. I was surprised most by their rocking renditions of E-Heads classics “Toyang” and “Magasin!” Oh man, that was a real treat.

Clad in her Little Red Goth Chick Hood costume, Pam energetically bounced up and down, admittedly another pleasant surprise since I’ve only seen Mozzie perform acoustic sets before.

She’s having the time of her life. Apart from her job as editor, she’s living her dreams and going on adventures right now. Good for her. And good for us, too. She and Mozzie are a fun and awesome band, and they should keep rocking for as long as they’re able.

I’m still waiting for the first record, but I’m confident that it’ll be so worth the wait.

Pain and Healing

I wish I could wish it away. But it’s trangkaso, the doctor said, and I have to let it run its course.

Late Sunday, I felt heat around my eye sockets and on my neck, and sure enough, these were followed by headaches and fever, which switched on and off. My sleeping schedule’s disrupted, and most of the last few days were spent just lying down, drinking lots of water, and peeing a number of times every hour that I’m awake. I was able to shoehorn in a little work, but I had to keep stopping because my focus keeps slipping.

I actually tried to ignore it at first. I thought that it would just go away quickly. But I had to refuse a job Pam was assigning me because I wasn’t feeling my usual fast-paced self at one point. She suggested that I have a checkup soon, and so I did. We feared it may be dengue. Also, I don’t know if it’s psychological, but I was feeling itchy all over, even after I’ve scrubbed thoroughly with antibacterial soap.

After two hours of waiting at the couch of a clinic with stabbing cold aircon, the doctor-internist-gastrosomething declared that yeah, it’s nothing truly major, and advised the usual things: rest, plenty of water, paracetamol, mefenamic and ascorbic acid. The illness doesn’t last past a week, but I could still feel sick for the remaining span, I’m told.

Gah, I feel tired from doing nothing. Getting sick sucks.

My ears are still red and warm, and my throat’s a little sore. I can feel swollen lymph nodes behind my ears too. I really need to finish some things already, like the drawings I mentioned previously. And I wanna go out.

My Lego Life

This was published last Wednesday. Editor Pam Pastor asked if I wanted to do an article about dreams (wishes and ambitions), so I jumped at the chance. Thank you and belated Happy Birthday, Pam!

- - - - - - - - - -

My Lego life

By Oliver M. Pulumbarit
2BU Contributor

Back in first grade, I was into playing with Lego sets. Assembling houses and vehicles, at least those mini-versions, appealed to me, partly because the interlocking parts allowed the freedom to start over and change how they looked. I also wanted to create my own town.

Adults around me, including a visiting teacher (who went to our house to sell an encyclopedia set) assumed, and perhaps hoped, that I’d be an architect one day. And for some time, that’s what I wanted to be, because it looked as if I can actually be good at that.

But in a hospital bed over a year later, after the doctors took out my appendix, all I could think of were colorful comic book covers, displayed side by side in some Greenhills shop I discovered days earlier. Seeing that stunning wall felt like being bombarded with an army of superheroes I knew, and wanted to know over and over.

After my hospital stay, I’d draw countless fight scenes between the champions of good and evil at the back pages of my notebooks, and I’d nag my Mom to buy me more of those adventure titles unceasingly.

A few months back, I discovered an old school journal, where I listed a number of contests that I joined and won in. Yes, after finishing 16 years of schooling, I forgot about how I was the overachieving nerd from time to time. I won in a bunch of slogan-making and poster-making tilts, so I knew even then that words and imagery can be tools at my disposal; I just practiced because I wanted to win more contests back then. I also wanted to make and tell my own epic stories, starring my own superheroes, one day. I was the quiet kid with the sketch pad and pencils.

But by my third year in high school, I wanted to be a radio deejay. I was discovering music, and loved playing vinyl records on our old turntable. It was a time when I was also getting confident with my voice, so I imagined that I can probably do that as a job eventually.

And like some kids in their teens, I wanted to be part of some shared experience. I didn’t know how to play instruments, so that felt close enough. Still, I knew that drawing, designing and ruling the lives of characters in my head was what I wanted to do someday. While I ditched the idea of pursuing a career in introducing, choosing and seamlessly playing songs, I became a more serious music lover.

When you’re young, you feel like you can do anything and everything. I definitely felt that way; I still do, but now, that thought is tempered with knowledge, experience and some foresight.

Growing up teaches you your strengths, especially when you acknowledge and understand your limitations. The thing is, even when you knew and believed that you’d pursue a certain path early on, plans change and self-discoveries happen.

Your job options, love life, and ambitions may merge and shift at certain pivotal points in your life. Your new dreams get lumped with the older ones, and they don’t become a reality overnight.

The world doesn’t end when you fail. Rejection letters, broken hearts, unfulfilled wishes don’t mean that you won’t ever be good at it, or won’t get what you want. I certainly had my share of disappointments, so occasionally I became my own Dr. Phil because I had to survive and get past them.

I used to envy people, those lucky enough to enjoy lucrative careers, and also the free-spirited and worry-free ones. But eventually, I realized my own unique gifts, and I learned how to appreciate them. In the past few years, I’ve undergone phases and transformations, but I’m still me at my core. And that’s always important.

We’re all here sharing space and converging, and we all have our little defeats and victories. We’re all fighting fate, and making ourselves comfortable in our precious little bubbles. But as individuals, we choose our own battles, we discover what we really want to do and say

There comes a point when you look back at your life and ask yourself, “What have I accomplished so far, and am I happy?”

I’ve years of exposure to pop culture, and that’s inspired me to create and appreciate. Unexpected opportunities pop up, but they, along with personal upheavals, can be turned into something visual or tangible, something that other people can relate to. I happily get derailed from some goals sometimes. But I get to relish all these things, especially when I step back and look at these experiences from a distance.

I live with words and imagery. My day job is all about perception. I didn’t expect to be a freelance copywriter, or a reviewer and reporter, for that matter. I devote as much as I can to these jobs, regardless. Almost three years ago, I also released my self-published comic book, which isn’t about superheroes. It’s strange but wonderful to get letters from readers that connect and appreciate it on levels I never expected.

I can also say that I’m happy that I’m living my life as me, without pretensions. Like anyone, I feel humbled, grounded and unsure where my path takes me next. But I keep doing what I do, of course. As a writer-artist, I think in terms of words and pictures (so pardon me if I stare blankly at you, sometimes). But even when I process all these things that I need and want to do, my life is an unending comic book serial. It’s one whose outcome I can’t exactly predict, but the journey, these chapters of my life, are just as important as the destination.

Hmm. Come to think of it, I can compare my life to playing with Lego bricks, too.

Puddle of Grays

Better Than Ice Cream

Last week was better than the one before it. Some highlights include:

- watching a surprise sneak preview of Stardust last Tuesday
- running into Mark Sablan and his girlfriend right after
- eating a free clubhouse sandwich (two huge slices of bread, egg, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes and other stuff, held together by a barbecue stick each and served with French fries) after an assignment at a classy hotel
- posing and taking pictures of my action figures (check out the JLA-Avengers album in my Multiply site!)
- talking to John and laughing about stuff
- starting art for Dicky’s short story
- discovering, and hearing from, ahem, a fan of my old comic book

Also, I’m not punching walls, so that’s a plus.

Video Love Parade

Here are some of my all-time favorite music videos. I’ve been rediscovering old ones on YouTube. I can’t find some of my faves, the ones I actually taped a bunch from way back, when the old VHS player still recorded properly. It’s a mix of fun, cheesy, or artsy videos, which don’t always jive with the lyrics of the songs, but in the span of each, stories or collections of images keep me glued, anyway. I can only remember a handful from the hundreds I’ve seen. In no particular order:

I’ll Be There- Escape Club
Love the underwater photography in this one. It’s a song about life after a loved one’s demise, and the video captured the idea perfectly.

Wonderful- Everclear
It’s a song about a kid’s unhappy childhood, lamenting the breakup of his parents. It’s a little literal, visually, but still emotionally binding.

Mr. Jones- Counting Crows
Remember when Adam Duritz was younger and bouncing around? This made me wanna dance and jump around too, every time I saw it.

Galileo- Indigo Girls
Clever and literate, it has a few thought-provoking quotes about individuality.

Bad Day- Daniel Powter
This is cute. Kindred underappreciated twentysomethings find their silver lining during a rainy day.

Me- Paula Cole
Love the rainbow color scheme, where scenes and props are unified by one color at a time.

Stolen- Dashboard Confessional
DC’s always so watchable, but this one stands out for me. It sounds and looks sweet and optimistic.

Rain- Madonna
The creative use of lighting and a blue palette makes this easy to look at. Madonna looks elegant in this one. I can never tire of listening to and looking at this.

Closing Time- Semisonic
Ooh, splitscreen. Nice “real time” technique, where both screens show a bigger view of people in close proximity that wanted to meet, but didn’t.

Nothing Compares 2 U- Sinead O’ Connor
The camera is static on a closeup of the singer’s face, which conveys anguish and heartbreak all throughout the song. Simple but pretty.

Torn- Natalie Imbruglia
Also with an unmoving camera, the singer “looks” at the viewer, while jumping around and emoting in an almost empty apartment. Separate scenes without gaps work effectively here.

Akap- Imago
Christmas lanterns and drama. ‘Nuff said.

Get Down- Groove Armada
This is weird, but the cartoon rabbits can dance!

Come To My Window- Melissa Etheridge
Juliette Lewis is all crazy in it. It gives the song a different but strangely affecting, perspective.

Jumper- Third Eye Blind
I like the way this has effects that involve the camera. Zoom ins and zoom outs on artificial but pretty scenery still illustrate the moving essence of the song.

Even Better Than The Real Thing- U2
Speaking of camera effects, I like how the view spins over Bono. Coolness, really.

Rush Rush- Paula Abdul
Oh, wow. Pre-Matrix Keanu and pre-Idol Paula. Still good to look at after all these years. And nice to see Paula dancing in this, even if it’s a ballad. Sexy, early ‘90s film-esque video.

We Are The World- USA For Africa
It’s always amusing to see all those artists in one place and singing one song. Which brings us to…

Do They Know It’s Christmas- Live Aid
The ‘80s was a great era for those artists… again, it’s great to see ‘em together, and for a good cause. Hmm… I remember the Voices That Care gathering back in the ‘90s… what was that for, again?

Everybody Hurts- REM
Go telepathic while watching and you’ll understand that, yeah, everybody hurts sometimes.

In Demand- Texas
Vocalist Sharleen Spiteri goes dramatic with Professor Snape. Lovely, and easily conveys sadness every time.

Stay- Shakespeare’s Sister
Deliberately campy and kinda spooky, the lyrical content, astounding vocals, and the visuals merge exceptionally well.

The End Of The Innocence- Don Henley
Sad and bittersweet, but still hopeful, and ultimately, timeless.

So Pure- Alanis Morissette
Dancing with Alanis and Dash Mihok. They look like they’re having fun. They “freestyle in trance.”

Voices Carry- ‘Til Tuesday
Aimee Mann with punk-ish hair. Love how she had revenge on the controlling boyfriend by the video’s climax. “Hush, hush!”

All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You- Heart
A woman sleeps with the first hunky stranger she sees on the road. Very risky, yeah, she could’ve ended up dead or ill. But the desperation in the song and the aftermath of the one night stand were artistically rendered.

Believe Is All You Say

Wanna Find Sweetness, Gotta Find Pain

I woke up feeling anxious. It wasn’t because of a bad dream or anything; I slept earlier than usual last night because the lack of rest was taking its toll on me. But it’s one of those times when you start your day worrying, when you feel like you’ll just burst at any second. No, I am not manic-depressive. I’ve just been compartmentalizing lately, and it’s not just easy for me to switch off feelings, sometimes, like I mentioned here before. I realized this some time ago; I’ve often had trouble letting go of grudges and disappointments.

So anyway, when I was feeling bummed out shortly after waking up from a three-hour sleep, I recognized the feeling, and knew that I had to release it quickly. I tried punching the floor, as I was still on my bed, but I decided that I’d do that to the bathroom wall, instead, where I’d throw more effective punches and no one would notice. And so I did. Punched the wall with my knuckles a few times until they hurt. But I was pulling back enough so the tiles wouldn’t break. Still, they were tough tiles. The pain was rerouted into something physical, and despite that, I felt better inside. I dunno. I went back to sleep feeling less bothered. But my knuckles were rattled real good.

I finished a press release talking about well-being hours ago. It’s kinda ironic given my current state, but it’s also a little helpful. I transcribed interviews, which included one with a yoga instructor who talked about how the mind can impose limitations on a person. He talked about learning to let go of anger and regret. How Yoda-ish, but true. I’m still learning to do that. It’s hard, but I’m gonna be good at letting go one day.

A song played in my head even before I transcribed, so I had to listen to it repeatedly shortly after finishing. It was “Crowing” by Toad the Wet Sprocket, from the mid-‘90s “Dulcinea” album. I played the whole thing twice, and that particular song about eight or nine times total. It summed up how I was feeling, as if the song was written just for this moment I’m going through:

Crowing

Been waiting to find
You could’ve been happier given the time
If he’d make up his mind
You’d give yourself to anybody who would cross that line

And it was never a question
He was crowing for repair
You’d give him love and affection
But you couldn’t keep him there

Get over regret
While you were sleeping with the angels
He was under the bed
And the more skin that you shed
The more that the air in your throat will linger when you call him your friend

And it was never a question
He was crowing for repair
You’d give him love and affection
But you couldn’t keep him there

Staring at a cold little hand
Reading fault lines of a shell of a man
You were waiting for a word from above
Wouldn't you know it, no answer ever did come

And it was never a question…

Sams Rock Well

Friday morning, I spoke with the fellow in this picture. Always admired Mr. Rockwell. So surreal. I remember ten years ago reading a review of a movie he starred in, Lawn Dogs. Seen him in Green Mile, Galaxy Quest, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Matchstick Men, Assassination of Jesse James, and yesterday, in Joshua. Awesome actor.

The next day, I met ETC’s Sam Oh, and interviewed her. I went to Glorietta, and had to cover the event she was in for a copywriting job. She’s excellent, and talks and moves just like she does on TV. Kwela girl. And she has a tongue piercing, if I’m not mistaken. I actually saw her before, last year, during the Village People press con, I think. And I’ve seen her host a show at Glorietta last August, but yesterday was the time I actually met her. Sweet.

I watched Joshua shortly after interviewing her. That was one depressing movie, but those involved were really convincing. Sam R. was excellent, as usual. I keep remembering the part of our conversation, when I asked him about how working with Assassination co-stars Brad Pitt and Casey Affleck was: “They’re very sexy people. I can’t get my hands off of them! They’re very handsome.”

He was kidding, of course. I really tried to keep down my giggles while he was saying it.

Word Association

Right Here, Write Now

I’ve been writing professionally for over six years now. That started officially with my Pulp gig (the Lexy, Nance & Argus strips), which was followed shortly by contributed reviews to MTV Ink and PDI. I actually submitted something to the paper’s Youngblood section back then, but those two articles, which I discovered months ago and are admittedly icky, thankfully never saw print. Strangely, I’d find out a few months into my contributorship that my then-editor, Sir Louie Camino, used to be night editor for that particular section. Barely a year later, he transferred and headed the Metro-Entertainment portion, where I’d become one of the more regular people that got published.

Over five years later, I can honestly say that I’m still learning, still honing the technical side of my craft and sharpening my analytical faculties. That never stops, really. Between those early days and now, I’d written hundreds of entertainment reports and reviews, written a comic book, blogged regularly, and interviewed people I never even dreamed of talking to. I continue to write copy for press releases, where I’m able to put to good use things I learned from some marketing and English subjects from way back. While those don’t have bylines and aren’t pop culture-related, I give just as much effort and energy to them, even when the occasional know-it-all client sucks the soul out of some pieces and alters them to appease some really dubious standards.

As someone who pimps products as the faceless press release guy, I’ve been to real estate events, visited homes for pest control testimonials, asked different questions to a variety of professionals, and so on. You meet clients with some serious behavior problems, who feel like they’re the center of the universe. Well, there really are people who love the sound of their own voice. It’s a job and I don’t really complain, even when I don’t feel like doing it. If anything, they add to my catalogue of experiences, enriching me with knowledge that I wouldn’t have gained elsewhere.

Events can be unbelievably boring, so I just blank out and just look at people, sometimes, to study or admire them. That’s how I cope, I suppose. I’ve been to a concert staged at a lavishly decorated and airconditioned church where people shout “Bravo!” after almost every number. That felt so alien and pretentious to me, as I don’t belong to the moneyed, higher class circles. However, I don’t think about being an outsider during such events since, again, I can say that I do my work dutifully. I just sit down and do the job, constantly editing until there’s an agreeable result, and then I forget about it.

Stringing together words into coherence has been a skill that’s been useful to me, and I find myself lucky to occasionally find my work in the company of those I admire and respect in the broadsheet. I’ve nothing but admiration for most of those talented and eloquent people, whose stuff I read and am impressed by. I’m proud to call some of them friends. The shared, overlapping fringes of cyberspace ensure that I’ll be meeting more, each of them wielding a distinct style and command of language, as well as some valuable insights and dissections.

Yeah, I know. Such a nerd.

Sun Always Shines

A few decades ago, when the world was so big. Look at the old TV. My Kuya’s watching some '70s show.

Suddenly, Last Summer

Deadpool GLI Summer Fun Spectacular, written by Dan Slott and Fabian Nicieza and drawn by a bunch of artists, is undoubtedly one of the funniest comic books of the year. Marvel’s outcast heroes team up, and bicker with, the Merc With a Mouth, and the results don’t disappoint. If you followed the Great Lakes Avengers’ misadventures in 2005’s GLA mini, as well as in the GLX-Mas special, or their previous run-in with Wade Wilson in Cable/Deadpool’s Civil War tie-in, then you can’t afford to miss this gut-busting one-shot.

The quirky bunch of misfits previously called themselves the Lightning Rods, the Great Lakes X-Men, and the Great Lakes Champions. Now, post-registration, the Great Lakes Initiative, still the Milwaukee-based super-adventurers with correspondingly wacky arch-foes, face their biggest challenge yet: new member Deadpool!

Highlights include Big Bertha and Wade’s date, Squirrel Girl’s post- Civil War encounter with former flame Speedball (now Penance, above), and Flatman’s Origami-Fu battle, among many others. It helps if you’re a fan of these characters already, although those who pick this up and get acquainted with them for the first time will find this a fun read, as well. I’m looking forward to the inevitable reunion of the unconventional super-characters next summer. Or preferably, much, much sooner.

Rolled Beneath a Deep Blue Sky

Inside Insiang

I finally met PDI-Lifestyle writer/editor Gibbs Cadiz last Tuesday during the Insiang press conference at the CCP. Joel McVie was there to cover it too. It’s cool to finally meet these excellent scribes and bloggers. Other netizens with online journals were on hand to interview and report about the event, as well.

Screenwriter-playwright Mario O’Hara arrived a little late, but was much appreciated and was generous with his answers. The bloggers and the cast members asked him about Insiang’s translation and re-translation through the years, and he was quite funny and candid with his thoughts. Later, when asked if he has current projects as director, he just replied, “Tamad akong direktor; sinisipag lang ako kapag wala akong pera!”

Tanghalang Pilipino’s Insiang is directed by Chris Millado and stars Ricky Davao, Mailes Kanapi, Sheenly Vee Gener (as Insiang), Mae Paner, Peewee O’Hara, Paolo O’Hara, McDonnel Bolanos, Roeder Camanag, Paolo Rodriguez, Vanni Liwanag, Jun Bueta, and Acey Aguilar.

Catch it on October 6, 7, 12, 13, and 14 at the Tanghalang Huseng Batute (CCP Studio Theater). Insiang tackles mature subject matter, and has strong language and brief nudity, so parental discretion is advised. Tickets are priced at P700 and P500. For show details, visit the official website or call 5210412.

Radio Goo-Goo

It’s strange that the cab I rode was tuned in to Jam 88.3. The pa-baduyan radio craze hasn’t gotten to the driver, it seems, and it was surprising to hear Tori Amos’ new song (the one with the “M-I-L-F, don’t you forget!” line) playing instead of some distressingly loud deejays from the now-leading kadyut-pangga stations. Oh, and last week, it was also unusual that a jeep’s dial was glued to the reformatted Joey, which was playing trance at the time, much to my and two young people’s delight.

Growing up, I listened to WKC, which was also baduy to some people back then. The attraction to me was the collection of cartoony sounding characters that accompanied the deejays during “Joke Time” segments. American Top 40 was a show that I followed religiously over that station too. But I also listened to WTM, which had 12-Inch Sunday and Friday Magic Madness. It kept claiming to be “The Number One Pop Music Station” during the time.

In college, I listened to RT and BM (rest in peace, dear new wave station), a time when I’d fall in love with music that flavored that special time of my life. LA, NU and K-Lite were my post-college companions, stations that also played some of my fave songs.

I rarely listen to the radio now, but I do keep track of some artists that I see on the music channels and the net. Things have changed and I’m exposed to more types of music, but I never tire of those songs I find instant rapports with. The old turntable broke over a decade ago; my old radio and Walkman are mostly broken now, too, but the music lives on in other formats. The radio star can never truly be “killed,” after all.

But I still wish that more drivers listened to the stations that I like.

Multiple Man

Ellinstrove Market. I drew this as part of some comic book submission samples way back. Check out my Multiply site for other drawings, pics and articles.

Showing Some Initiative

Avengers- The Initiative by Dan Slott and Stefano Caselli is currently the best Avengers book out there. Yes, there are a few ‘A’-titles and spinoffs being published by Marvel, but this stands out as the superhero book that has ample doses of drama, mystery, slugfests, and it respects established continuity, which is definitely a plus. Five issues into Initiative, the definition of real heroism is dissected, as new and old superhumans are molded into super-soldiers in the post-Civil War landscape.

Those missing the long-absent Young Avengers book will find the newbie Initiative recruits easily fill that void, that characters like Trauma, Cloud 9, Komodo, MVP and Hardball are just as interesting and enigmatic as the YA team when they started out. Veteran Avengers such as War Machine, Justice, Yellowjacket, Triathlon, drill sergeant Gauntlet, former X-Man Dani Moonstar, and former Liaison Henry Gyrich are also learning that teaching these registered adventurers hero ethics doesn’t always prepare them for the various deadly menaces that plague them. Characters from old Marvel books make appearances (as squad members and instructors) so it doesn’t get boring at all. The big ensemble reflects the title’s scope, and presents more sources of conflict than the regular team book.

Round Here We Talk Just Like Lions

Yesterday I felt mostly great. I had a good day; it was productive and I was glad to meet up and chat with old and new friends. But just as it was ending, the feeling of giddiness had to change. Feelings totally unconnected to the events from earlier surfaced, and the dreariness felt really awful.

I tore and crumpled sketches I was doing. The muse just wasn’t there, so I didn’t bother doing it again. I tear and crumple illustrations I’m not happy with, yeah, but there was some rage in doing so last night.

I couldn’t sleep, not while feeling that way, and I couldn’t scream it out because I’d wake up the freaking neighbors. But I had to do something to dislodge the heaviness I was feeling. I felt like clawing at my own skin, but that would’ve ended up messily.

I pulled out an old comics catalog and tore out thick sections into pieces. I pulled out toy package boards and ripped ‘em into shreds. Some were actually hard to destroy because they had plastic glued on them. My heart was beating real fast at this point. I surveyed my room, picked up a pen, and snapped it in two. I’d have broken furniture, but most of them looked and felt broken anyway.

If I had a punching bag, my hands would be bruised and broken right now. I’d have pictured the faces of everyone who ever wronged me on it. I stopped and sat down, still appalled, but feeling slightly better. I had to release it, somehow. It shows that I’m still in control, though, since I didn’t break anything of real value. The feeling of being gypped, of being devalued, lingered. But as I was able to act out my grief, I was more conscious of my rapid heartbeat, so I began calming down.

I’ve always been in touch with my emotions, which has been both good and bad. I’d have exploded, or imploded, if I just tried to cram it down and hold it in. that’s why I’m amazed that some people can be so removed from their emotions altogether.

Oh well, woke up feeling a little better. Will play my loud, angry music now, and exorcise these feelings.

In the Daze of the Why

Jerk!

That’s from Irredeemable Antman by Robert Kirkman and Phil Hester. I’ve read 11 of 12 issues, so far. Well, it’s typically Kirkman, in that it’s wry and unconventional. It centers on an opportunistic SHIELD agent, Eric O’Grady, who steals an experimental Antman suit… actually, he pries it off his dead best friend, who was killed in a supervillain attack. Not long after, he takes advantage of his dead friend’s grieving girlfriend by being a shoulder to cry on. He sleeps with her eventually, then ditches her, just like that. What a jerk.

Just like some real people.

Hanging Out With the Drama King

Lazy Sunday afternoon, so I’m just tuning out work and rediscovering old songs through CDs and tapes stacked haphazardly in my room. Like in an older post, “Fool for Love,” I can actually narrow down the songs that best connect with me, but unlike the old entry, this isn’t just a soundtrack that fits my love life. It’s a compact list of the songs that best describe aspects of my life. So generally, it’s the soundtrack of my life, my damn drama, and my thoughts on some bonds that aren’t necessarily romantic.

I’ve never been one to take crap from people, but I’m far from the epitome of balance and perfection. I need to change for the better too. I’ve always known that. And these songs reflect, and remind me of my continuous search for contentment and meaning. I’m sure I’ll hear more songs that connect, but for now, and as a whole, this rundown is quite accurate.

1. What Do You Hear In These Sounds- Dar Williams
“Oh how I loved everybody else, when I finally got to talk so much about myself.”

2. Ghosts-Dirty Vegas
“All I ever wanted was a chance to make it real.”

3. London Rain- Heather Nova
“When somebody needs you, well, there’s no drug like that.”

4. Walk Down The Road- Cynthia Alexander
“I look up at the sky. Now I know why.”

5. The Heart of the Matter- Don Henley
“You better put it all behind you, ‘cause life goes on.”

6. Saturday Night, Sunday Morning- River Detectives
“Where do you go when your love is dying? How do you stop yourself from crying?”

7. Proud to Fall- Ian McCulloch
“From start to finish, I was proud to fall.”

8. Me- Paula Cole
"I'm scared as hell but I know there’s something better.”

9. Both Sides Now- Joni Mitchell
“Something’s lost but something’s gained in living everyday.”

10. Collide- Howie Day
“Even the best fall down some time, even the wrong words seem to rhyme.”

11. Talking To My Angel- Melissa Etheridge
“I sold my soul for freedom. It’s lonely but it’s sweet.”

12. I’ll Follow the Sun- The Beatles
“And though I’ll lose a friend, in the end you will know.”

13. Gypsy- Suzanne Vega
"Please do not ever look for me but with me you will stay."

14. Full of Grace- Sarah McLachlan
“I know I can love you much better than this.”

15. These are Days- 10,000 Maniacs
“You’ll know it’s true that you are blessed and lucky.”

16. Windmills- Toad the Wet Sprocket
“I spent too much time seeking shelter.”

17. Good Mother- Jann Arden
“I’ve got money in my pocket. I like the color of my hair. I’ve got a friend who loves me.”

18. Head Over Feet- Alanis Morissette
“You are the bearer of unconditional things.”

19. Idlip- Imago
“In the arms of make-believe, sleep will set you free.”

20. Mystery- Indigo Girls
“There must be a thousand things you would die for. I can hardly think of two.”

21. Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley
“All I ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.”

22. Not Myself- John Mayer
“Suppose I said, you’re my saving grace?”

23. Honey Be Good- The Bible
“If you can’t be good, be good at being bad.”

24. Life Uncommon- Jewel
“No longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from.”

25. 29- Gin Blossoms
“At 29 you’d think I’d know better, living like a kid.”

26. Love Shines- Live
“Like an eternal sun, it shines.”

27. Dear God- Midge Ure
“Is there somebody watching over the mess that we made? We’re lost and alone and afraid.”

28. Everybody Hurts- REM
“Sometimes everything is wrong.”

29. Crucify- Tori Amos
“I’ve been raising up my hands, drive another nail in… got enough guilt to start my own religion.”

30. Here’s Where The Story Ends- Sundays
“It’s that little souvenir of a colorful year that makes me smile inside.”

The Strongest Morphine

There are days when you just don’t think about it. Or at least, not too much.

Love can be the best thing. When you wake up, the face or name of that special person you singled out may be the first thing that registers in your head. It can be more than one name or one face, actually, because the term can be loosely defined these days, and romance isn’t always necessarily about exclusivity in some cases.

You want to be better in every possible way, even when you know that you’re accepted and adored just as you are. You learn to give without expecting anything in return, and stretch past your limits, but don’t mind at all, because you’re after your partner’s happiness. You hope, and you brave the unknown together, because there’s that understood arrangement, a deal that didn’t require too many words. You speak your own language, move to the beat of your own drum, surrender repeatedly to reach that ecstatic spasm. The world doesn’t exist for you in those pure, powerful moments and understandably so.

But things change. Your life changes. You don’t see the old things the same way, but know that some bonds are just unbreakable. That’s no excuse to take them for granted, but you do, anyway. It may be because of that new world you’re excitedly discovering, or the alluring new obsessions that presented themselves to you. You realize that you’re the now-or-never type, a person who knows how being deprived feels, so you make up for lost time. You don’t think about love. You feel it, or you assume you do, but you do get confused sometimes. So you try not to think about it. At least, not too much.

But when you feel your life spinning out of control, you do wait for someone to step up and become what you need. Sometimes there’s that need to just lose yourself in others, to give yourself a better perspective. Or just, you know, to get off. You’re not proud of it, although in some cases, you may be, but you live for the moment that way and you’re not thinking of love at all. You get conflicting signals, and you send some too, you have to admit. You don’t believe that you’re this way because your zodiac sign, or the palm reader, said so. But you find it funny that their descriptions of you, and your relations, are uncannily true.

You still believe in love, even when some events have made you a little cynical. You’re happy for those new lovers you see, but you’re wondering how they’ll fare after just a few years together. You also wonder how those you’ve slept with are doing, sometimes, so you check up on some of them through their floating journals or profile pages. You try to understand why they need to return to some semblance of ordinariness, and you do, eventually. You understand how to love just a person’s body, or company, during those fleeting minutes you’re intimately and dangerously close.

You remember falling in love more than once, but even when you acknowledge that some things aren’t the same anymore and there’s no turning back, you rediscover those old bonds. You change, you try to be more giving, and don't think about the eventual disagreements. True love, you know now, is total acceptance and sacrifice. But you don’t really care about the definitions too much. You’re just glad that you know when it’s there and how to give it.

You worry about the future, like you worry about everything else, but the happy endings will come. Just don’t think about it too much.

Only Stops Along My Way

So.

Almost every day for the past week, I only had about four to five hours sleep. Body clock’s outta whack again, but I’ve stayed ruminative like I was for the most of August. My head’s busy juggling priorities; it’s done a good job of separating work from recreation, so far. But it’s also dissecting and analyzing recent and current experiences, trying to figure out the roots and effects of decisions I’ve made, or have yet to make.

Looking back at my archived entries, I noticed how different things were for me professionally and personally when the year started. I can say with certainty that it’s been strange. And interesting. And humbling. And bittersweet.

I’ve seen friendships evolve into things more than bargained for; I’ve gone through the different stages of grief; I owned up to mistakes made and tried to be the better man. I felt loved, loathed, adored, ignored; I got over things and people and moved on, maybe a little wiser. I gave, and was selfish. I’m learning to let things go, and to stay emotionally detached from some things that have become obsessions. I get blasé at certain times, and hypersensitive during others. I’m impatient but the epitome of contentment at once. That’s how mixed-up it was for the last two months.

I think, at certain points, I feel like I’m still in school. You still try to take everything in simultaneously. The backdrops have changed, but somehow, there are things that remain the same. I still feel insecure sometimes, and my confidence just inexplicably vanishes when I’m faced with some quandaries. You also get to meet the same characters all over again, only older and better-dressed: the kindred misfits, the quiet martyrs, and the condescending, conceited brats, among other archetypes.

But it’s also different, sluts with standards notwithstanding. Like everyone else, I can speak up now. I can do things that I never imagined doing when I was young. I don’t really care about belonging, anymore. The divisions between the cliques have blurred, and real fellowship now comes in myriad manifestations. I build for my future, and that means that I’m in that endless cycle of proving myself. The stakes are higher; the drama’s more difficult to escape. But I remind myself that that’s just the way it is.

Someone asked me, about seven years ago, if I felt happy with my life. I hesitated to answer, but I remember replying in the affirmative. The hesitation gave away the truth, though. Well, I was in a totally different place and state of mind then. But now, despite all the emotional crap that I’m going through, I can say, without any hesitation whatsoever, that yeah, I’m really happy. I know how happiness feels. I’m living my life by being true to myself.

God, I so need to sleep.